As I understand it, you have a birthday coming up soon….Happy Birthday!
Well, yes, technically Shawn’s birthday is in June. He’d be 44, which seems really old, even though I am 42! But he’s frozen at 40, of course. Not LITERALLY frozen, because the ground has thawed out at this point in the year. But I digress. Back to that letter.
This might be a great time to buy a new life insurance policy.
Really? Tell me MORE. Have you been hearing about changes in Shawn’s life lately? DO TELL.
Here’s why: Life insurance rates have just dropped to all-time lows and many companies will charge more for this same amount of coverage after your birthday.
Well, damn, it’s time to buy into that policy now! I mean, RUN DON’T WALK, Shawn Brimley!
Here is the sample male monthly rate for age 40…..
Wait – is Shawn 40? I’m actually curious. Are they calculating this for his age when he was last breathing, or for the age he’d be if he lived? I mean, this is GETTING INTERESTING.
As you might expect, these sample rates assume that you don’t use tobacco…..
Score! Shawn didn’t use tobacco! I mean, maybe a cigarette or two in college but not really, and anyway, he DEFINITELY hasn’t smoked a single cigarette in years.
….and that you are enjoying excellent health.
ummmmm…….and also, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WHY DO I STILL GET THESE LETTERS? They come all the time in the mail, and as if it’s not bad enough that Shawn gets letters from the DNC and his grad school and the cell phone company, can’t I at least ask not to get these life insurance letters? I know they try to be reassuring but they always scream to me, “He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s DEAD!”
We also offer plans that provide coverage for life!
That’s not exactly helpful at this point. Also, can we stop with uplifting insurance letters? Life insurance plans mean that YOU DIE. I’d think the letter should include something like, “your family will be kinda fucked without you, won’t they? Imagine the grief and then the financial worries. Picture their crushed expressions and their wailing sobs!” No, the letters never say this, but maybe they should!
We also have many no-exam plans and some that ask no health questions.
Now you’re talking! And yes, since making that exam appointment might be a tad difficult at this point, we’d need to go with this exam-free option.
If you’d like a free price comparison report customized to your own health history, please call us.
So, exactly what qualifies as “health history”? I’ve seen those forms – they ask about family history and current medications and such. I’m PRETTY sure there’s no box that says “currently breathing” so that definitely works in Shawn’s favor.
We offer life insurance quotes for up to $25 million.
DAMN! For 25 million, I bet Shawn would do his fucking BEST to try and make that call. I bet, somewhere out there in heaven or whatever comes after, he’s hitting re-dial as much as he can. Or at least he’s laughing along with me at the absurdity of all of this. Life insurance rates at all-time lows, as he’s not even alive to cash in!
Sincerely, your future insurance company