Peace Be With You

Tommy Brimley Baptism

Getting to church on time has proven to be very difficult in the past few months.  Hell, getting anywhere on time in the past few months has been tough.  So it was no surprise when I arrived to services halfway through the first reading with my three kids last Sunday.  Austin and Claire ran ahead and found Austin’s godparents, Josh and Becky.  They were sitting in a row with their own children and an elderly couple on the aisle.  My kids starting climbing over this couple to get to Josh and Becky.  They were making a huge racket and I embarrassingly sat down in an adjacent row with Tommy.  Becky gave me a knowing smile.

Our church is one of the few places where it was easy to return after Shawn’s death.  It wasn’t perfect, and sometimes people were awkward when they saw us.  But in some ways, it was an easier place to return to than the grocery store or the kids’ school, where I might have to talk to someone I barely knew.  From the beginning, my church was a place where I met and talked with hundreds of people from across the city.  As part of our get-to-know-you conversations, we would talk about the big life questions.  What role does God play in our lives?  What happened after we died?  How could we be good people?  Thus, in many ways, when faced with something as difficult to understand as a 40-year-old’s death, I found that many of the people at church – even those I didn’t know well – could talk to me about what I was going through.

Take Don, for example, a guy I taught Sunday school with for a few years.  When he found out about Shawn’s illness, he showed up a number of times at my house with homemade soup he’d individually packaged.  He brought so much that I’m still eating it.  The first time, he stood at my door and told me he didn’t know what to do, but he could cook.  Then he hugged me and we talked about our church and my sadness.  Don and I had spent many a Sunday morning discussing mundane things, like kids and marriage and playdates, but we had also talked about the role of religion in our kids’ lives and how we think about spirituality.  I don’t actually know that much about Don’s everyday life, but yet we engaged on a level that usually takes me much longer with other friends.

Anyway, last Sunday, I saw a number of people I knew as I settled into the pew with Tommy.  Other than Josh and Becky, none of them were my closest friends.  And yet, when the time came to wish each other peace, there were so many people who came up to me and held my hands in their hands.  There was the photographer who took pictures when my kids were baptized, the friend who dropped off grief books in January, and the older couple whose daughter had taught my Sunday school class when I had to be in the hospital.  One by one, they said hello and they looked me in the eyes.  “Peace be with you,” we said to each other.

Never before have I thought more about that phrase, “peace be with you.”  I’m not sure if God has a plan or if there’s even a way that God can intervene here on earth.  I believe in God but I don’t know what else I really believe beyond that. I certainly don’t know what is really true in the Bible.  Still, the rituals of each church service make it so that these people – the ones who aren’t my best friends, but who are part of my community – can come up to me, hold my hands and say the words, “peace be with you.”  Right now, they are probably the most powerful words that I can hear, mostly because peace is so elusive.  I feel sadness and I feel anxiety and I feel overwhelmed.  But peace?  It’s just not something that I feel right now.

That day in church, I felt a familiar heaviness.  Earlier in the service, Claire asked if she and Austin could go and sit in the balcony, and I exhaustedly said, “yes.”  I was going on 5 hours of sleep and I knew I’d have to spend at least 90% of the time tending to Tommy.  They were overjoyed to be so independent.  But just after the “peace,” I heard a loud crash and looked up to Claire gesturing to me.  Austin had tumbled down the stairs and was hurt.  I jumped up, but Josh got there sooner.  Austin was okay, and he got up and went to Josh, who put his arm around him and waited for communion to start.  He leaned down and said something to Austin, and I felt the stinging sensation of tears that were about to come.  The emotion came not from Austin’s pain, but rather from the deep kindness of his godfather and from the image of them standing there together.  They are not father and son.  And yet – it got me.

I waited and composed myself.  Then I led Tommy down our own aisle to get communion.  “Hands like a plate,” I instructed him, and he obediently did it.  He looked around, unaware of the number of people watching him.  We took communion and held it in our hands as I led him over to the wine.  I wasn’t looking at the person serving wine, but she bent down to Tommy’s height, and he dipped in his wafer.  Then she stood up and I saw who she was.

It was a woman from my church grief group.  I don’t know her last name.  I don’t really know anything about her life, but I know everything about how she thinks about God and life and death.  It’s the oddest thing.  I’ve shared more with her about my life than I have with people I’ve known for years.  And so, when she tilted the cup towards me, I saw a very specific look in her eyes.  It was one of a person who knows me, and who sees a deeper part of me.

On the surface, it may have seemed as though nothing important happened.  She just said our ritualistic blessing and I said the ritualistic response, “Amen.”  But she saw me.  She saw me with my tiniest child, the one who she knows is so grief-stricken that he can’t let go of me.  She saw me and she nodded her head and I saw the look in her eyes.  It was one of compassion and understanding.  It was one of someone who may not know my last name, but nevertheless knows me.

I think this is why, week after week, I return to my church.  I am not a perfect believer, and I have many doubts.  I do not know where Shawn is now, though I hope it’s in some sort of afterlife where it’s perpetually a beautiful Saturday afternoon.  I do not know what the future holds for my family, and I question why I’ve been given such a heavy load.  But I know that in my church every week, other people see me.  I know that each week, I’ll extend my hand to these people and we will say the words to each other that somehow bring me comfort:

“Peace be with you.”

Image Credit: Chip Somodevilla.

14 Replies to “Peace Be With You”

  1. Alecia Brinkerhoff says: Reply

    My prayer for you, and for your kids, each day is that I pray you will feel God’s presence within you and that you will know the peace only He can provide. It was so good to see you this morning, if only for a few minutes.

    1. Oh, same to you. I do love our little community and those moments that we get to share with each other….like week-old babies! Love to you.

  2. Sheryll Brimley says: Reply

    Marjorie, while my heart breaks that you & the children are experiencing such immense grief & sadness, my heart is soaring that you are finding some peace & comfort in your church community. I WAS the perfect believer in God’s love & God’s plan. I had absolutely no doubts in how his plan worked & my role in the big plan for my family, my children. Some have even said that my belief was “childlike”. But that has all changed for me now. I really don’t know what to believe anymore & everyday I am questioning why I am still alive & my son is gone. This could not have been in the big plan that I had such faith in! I am told these feelings are normal in this journey of grief.
    I started working in my garden a couple of weeks ago & as I have my hands in the soft dirt, listening to the birds in the nearby trees, I do feel just a little sense of joy & comfort, and some peace.
    Love you.

    1. Thanks Sheryll. I’m not sure I was ever the perfect believer, but I do believe in community and I do believe in love….and those things I certainly find in my church. I too find a bit of heaven on earth in the garden.

  3. I couldn’t love this more. I’m so very grateful for St C’s.

    1. Me too. And people like you who I get to see there!

  4. There are so many times when I read your work, Marjorie, and I don’t know what to say or do. This is one of those times. Those doubts have crept up on me (and still do) so I can’t even imagine how you square the loss of Shawn with your faith.

    I do hope, though, that that peace is packaged and on its way!

    1. Thank you. I’m not sure how I square it either. But I do know that my community is there, and that is a lot of where I find God – in them.

  5. Kathleen Krepps says: Reply

    We love you & your family, Marjorie! That’s the greatest thing about St. C’s–people really do love and accept each other, even when they’re running late, or causing a ruckus, or bursting into tears, or feeling full of doubt. I’ve definitely done my share of all of those things (well, except the ruckuses–those are my kids’ fault). That’s exactly as it should be. Glad to see you on Sunday!

    1. Always good to see you too! And I agree – St. Cs is a place where I feel such love, even when all hell is breaking loose.

  6. linda haslach says: Reply

    Marjorie, the replies of your readers are as beautiful and moving as your piece. Clearly you are finding your voice with this blog and touching lives. Brave On! L.

    1. Thanks Linda! I think you’ll like my post today – it’s about Wednesday. 🙂

  7. Dear Marjorie, I discovered your blog yesterday and read every post. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. But the feeling that keeps coming up for me is envy. Let me explain. I am 65 years old and have never had the experience of knowing what it’s like to love and be loved the way you and Shawn loved each other. How very fortunate for you that you had that and how very tragic to have it taken away so suddenly. I feel your pain so acutely throughout your writing. And I guess I just wanted to share a little of mine. I was married for 28 years and never got to feel anything like what you two shared. That’s where the envy comes in. You are so fortunate to have had a love like that. And I can feel the loss of it in your every word. I am not without many blessings however. I have 3 of the most wonderful sons and 4 beautiful grandchildren… 2 girls and 2 boys. They are what keeps me going. And I wouldn’t change that for anything in this world. I wish you and your family nothing but the brightest future ahead!
    Annie

    1. Annie, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I do feel lucky that I got true love in my life, even if it was shorter than I wanted. I appreciate you telling me your story!

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