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What Brought You to The Hospital Today?
In 1971, when my father was a young medical student, he was working with patients at a county hospital in Houston. One day, a woman came in complaining of swollen feet and my dad was in charge of figuring out what was wrong with her. “So,” my dad began, “what brought you to the hospital today?” The woman looked right at him and said, “the bus.” She was not trying to be a smart-ass. She was merely answering my dad’s question. So he tried again. “Well, why did you come to the hospital?” “My feet are swollen,” she said. “Any other problems?” he asked. “Nope,” she replied. He was a…
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My Cross to Bear
When I was a kid, I loved to hold my grandmother’s hand. She had a firm grip, but her skin was soft. If I close my eyes, I can feel the contours of her wrist and the bumps of her veins. Maybe it’s odd that I remember the feel of my grandmother’s hands more than that of my own mother’s. My mom often held my hand. But my mom’s hands felt like any other hands – warm and loving, but mostly just normal hands. My grandmother had very advanced rheumatoid arthritis. It plagued her for her entire adult life, mangling her joints and causing her terrible pain. When she was…
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At First Glance
In the past week, I’ve had two different acquaintances tell me about terrible things going on with their families. In both cases, I was asked to keep the information confidential, which I gladly did. But it got me thinking. Before Shawn died, I used to talk with my closest friends about their problems, and I’d share mine. Sometimes, these dear friends of mine had serious problems, and we’d work through them together. But I never discussed serious problems with more casual friends and acquaintances. Instead, I talked to people in my my larger circle about our daily lives, our kids and our work. We never got too serious. When I…
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Ministry of Presence
My friend Kumar is a pastor. As part of his work, he runs a bereavement group, and we meet up sometimes to talk about loss and how to help people make meaning of their lives. One day, I was telling him about some of the things that people had done for me after Shawn died, and he said, “we call that the ministry of presence.” I liked that phrase, so I asked him to tell me more. He said the following, The basic idea is this – as a pastor, you can preach a good sermon, but in the end, did you go on the journey with your parishioners? You…
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The Man at the Gas Station
I realized I was out of gas as I headed back from the doctor last week. I was out in the suburbs, too far from home to wait until I could go to my usual gas station, so I pulled into a random one on a side street. I got out, paid for my gas and waited for my tank to fill. In the interim, I washed my windshield. Behind me, a man whistled. I ignored it, mostly because I was alone and in a hurry to get back to my kids. Then I heard the same guy yelling, “hey you, excuse me, excuse me,” so I turned around. He…
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Can’t You Just…?
A few months ago, I was talking to an acquaintance and had a moment of candor. “I’m really lonely,” I said. “I miss Shawn. And I’m also tired of being alone all the time. They’re two parts of my sadness that are linked, but also separate in a way.” She looked at me thoughtfully. “I understand you really miss Shawn. But if you want to get rid of the loneliness, can’t you just set up an online dating profile?” I awkwardly tried to tell her that it wasn’t so easy. Putting myself out there is a really daunting prospect. She meant well. She was trying to be helpful. I wasn’t…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
