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Questions
There were so many questions after Shawn died. So many. Was there a family history of cancer? Did he exercise? What were the warning signs? Why didn’t you demand a colonoscopy earlier? Did he have a regular doctor? Did he smoke? Did the medical team try immunotherapy? Did he eat a special diet? Did he drink a lot? Did he have symptoms earlier in the year? Was he healthy otherwise? Those were just some of the things people asked me. Of course there were questions. Shawn was an incredibly vibrant 40-year-old. How could this happen, they wondered? But the big question was lurking under all of these questions, one that…
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Our Bathroom
Claire and I share a bathroom. It wasn’t always this way, of course. Once upon a time, Claire used the bathroom by her room, the one Shawn and I designated for the kids after we remodeled the house a few years ago. But when Shawn died and my dad moved in, all of the sudden there were four people using the kids’ bathroom and just me using the master bathroom. “I should share this bathroom with you,” Claire said one day. She had just turned 9. “It can be the girls bathroom. The boys can all use the bathroom in the hallway.” I wavered a bit, but somehow just a…
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What I’m Scared Of
I slipped into the last spot on the elevator going up to my hotel room last week. As I fumbled in my purse for my room key (so I could push the button to my floor) the man standing next to me said, “quick! You better show us your room key so we know you are allowed up!” He meant it as a joke, but it felt like a strange thing to say, and I sort-of half smiled/half frowned at him while continuing to rifle through my purse. He beamed at the other people on the elevator, who were clearly friends of his. I got off at my floor, and…
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Heavenly Love
When Austin was first born, I was taking a walk with my sister and my new baby boy. Austin was probably a week old. Claire, who had just turned two, was home with Shawn. My sister and I were talking about birth and love and all of the other big things you can talk about with someone you’ve known your whole life. At some point, she asked me something about how it felt, now, to love two kids instead of one. While I don’t remember her exact question, I remember my answer. “Well,” I said, “I love Austin, but if for some crazy reason I had to choose between them,…
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Where’s Your Husband?
You can get the best huevos rancheros in Austin, Texas. Though I’m not a native-born Texan, I’ve spent big chunks of my life with my family in this great town. So when I get the chance for a meal out, I do it. A few days ago, on a weekend downtown by myself, I wandered into a restaurant specializing in Oaxacan cuisine and asked the waiter what he recommended for my brunch. His answer: huevos rancheros. We got to chatting after that. I asked him about how they make their amazing sauces, and he told me more about the history of the restaurant. Then, as conversations sometimes do, we turned…
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“Are You Going To Die?”
“Are you going to die?” Claire asked me. Her voice was strained. She sat next to me on the couch and gripped me like she was three years old. “What? Of course not!” I said. “I’m going to visit Aunt Lindsay and Uncle Sean and their new baby. Babies can’t hurt anyone!” “I mean on the plane,” she said. “Are you going to die on the plane?” “No,” I said, emphatically. “Planes are really safe. They are safer than cars, actually. I’ll be fine.” She did not look convinced, and kept clutching me. She probably asked me a half-dozen more times if I was going to die. Each time I…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
