Life advice from the aesthetician
“Do you have kids?” the woman at the salon asked me.
It was an innocuous question – one that I’ve asked other people a million times. But I knew where it might go. “I do,” I said, “three of them. All under 10.”
“Wow,” she said, “that’s a lot of kids to handle.”
“Well, yes, especially since I’m a single mom,” I said.
“No kidding,” she said without pause, “I’m a single mom too. And it’s not easy.”
A kindred spirit, of sorts, and here she was, giving me a facial. She looked like she was around my age, so I thought I’d just tell her the whole story. “My husband died in January, so I’m new to the whole single parenting thing.”
She paused. “I’m so sorry,” she said.
I thanked her, and then said little. I had a brief moment when I worried that she wouldn’t say anything else for the entire hour, and I’d feel totally awkward. But she did not do that. “How are you doing?” she asked.
I talked briefly about raising my kids and single parenting in general. She added her own stories. “I’m trying to take a little time for myself,” I said, “that’s why I’m here.”
“Well, you should do that,” she said, “and more than once a year!” We both laughed. “So,” she said, and her tone changed, “have you tried dating yet?”
Seeing my expression, she added, “or, is it too soon?”
“Um,” I said, a bit uncomfortable but unable to extract myself from the situation, “that’s just hard to contemplate right now. And everyone I know who’s tried dating at my age has found it terrible.”
“Well, I get that fear,” she said, “but it’s great. You’ll have a great time – really! You get to go out to dinner and not think about your kids and maybe even meet someone really cute!”
I liked her. I liked that she asked questions no one else would ask and that she was glowingly positive. The optimism reminded me of myself, or at least myself years before Shawn died. I smiled at her and then we sat in silence for a while.
“What was he like?” she asked, “Your husband, I mean.”
Is there any better question? “Oh, he was wonderful,” I said. “The best. He ran a think-tank downtown but what everyone remembers about him are the great parties he threw.”
She nodded her head, and so I continued to talk and talk. I told her about how Shawn was with our kids and the great places we went together before they were born. I told her about his big hearty laugh and the funny jokes he told. I probably took up most of the rest of that hour telling her about Shawn, and she responded accordingly.
Finally, the facial was done and it was time for me to go. “You are going to be okay,” she said, even though I hadn’t implied otherwise. “I can tell in your voice. You had a great 15 years with your husband. That will take you far.”
I smiled and said, “yes, it was a great 15 years.”
She looked right at me. “You are making it, that much is obvious.”
I thanked her, and went home. Later, I thought back about why my interaction with her felt so healing. She asked about my life, rather than stay silent after learning that I was a widow. She encouraged me for the future. And she asked about Shawn and listened while I told her.
It was wholly refreshing.
Next time I meet someone who is grieving, I will say this: “Tell me about your person.”
And then I will listen.
10 Comments
Melissa
What a wonderful encounter with such a kind, perceptive person! So many people don’t want to go beyond an expression of condolence because it makes them uncomfortable.
Recently I ran into an acquaintance at my exercise class who I hadn’t seen all summer. She inquired about my absence and I told her about my husband. She was shocked but sympathetic. Then she said, “A lot of women I know have become widows this year.” I started to speak, but it was obviously not something she wanted to talk about. She appeared distressed as she looked over my shoulder and went off to greet another friend. I sort of stood there with my mouth open, feeling kind of foolish. Maybe it’s just something they don’t want to consider could happen to them or what, so they avoid it.
When your aesthetician allowed you to talk about Shawn, it validated your feelings about what your life together meant for you. That is a real gift. I’m glad you felt uplifted after talking with her.
Marjorie
It’s hard. I get it. I’ve written about my own troubles helping people who were grieving, so I can sympathize with people who feel uncomfortable. But yes, when we meet someone who can show compassion and interest…well, that’s just the best. So life-affirming.
Conor
Wow, I don’t have much to say other than that this was lovely and life-affirming and that I’m so happy that that woman was there at that moment. Interactions with strangers can be so meaningful and unforgettable.
Marjorie
Thank you! And yes – interactions with strangers have been so important to me.
Bonnie
I, too, am a widow. I was married for almost 37 years. I still believe I’m too young to be a widow. I get what you are saying. Often times people stare at me. It’s been almost 22 months. In the first six or so months I got lots of stares. This has really taught me how to react to others who are facing a similar situation. I just tell people to ask me about my husband or ask how I’m doing. Just don’t stare. I’d rather be asked. I love talking about him. Sure it saddens me but I still love it. I’ve also learned what not to say to others. Things like “I know exactly how you feel”. No one can ever know how you feel. They are not you. So I just tell others I’m sorry for their loss and that I’ll pray for their peace. Ok. My rant is over. Sorry it went a bit longer than it should have.
Marjorie
Thanks for sharing! Yes, I think it’s interesting for other people to hear that widows/widowers usually LIKE talking about their late spouses. It’s funny, I was with a widower friend the other day and we were laughing about crazy things our late spouses used to do and I thought, “only with a widower could I say some of these things!” Sending love to you.
Vidita
in the past two months I have wondered if people think grief is contagious. It feels like being a pinned insect in a glass case, because everyone is indeed watching every thing you do. Reading you words “tell me about your person’ that rung so true. There are so many many moments of joy and while remembering them tears may flow so do the beautiful memories one has made.
Marjorie
You hit the nail on the head there – I think some people DO think grief is contagious. It’s so hard to sit with someone else’s pain. Thanks for telling me that this post touched you – it meant a lot to me.
Kimberly
I don’t know how I’m only just finding your blog. (I think we are quite possibly the same person!?) My husband died Aug 21, 2019 after 21 years of marriage, we’d been dating since college. He died the day after our oldest turned 18, about to start his senior year, and the other kids were 15, 12 and 9. We are a bit older than you guys – John was diagnosed with esophageal cancer when he was 45 and I was 43, died 2 years later. It’s really refreshing to read your blog and know that I am not alone. I have one hot young widow friend but other than that all of my friends are other married mamas with kids. So thanks for sharing your journey with the world! Makes me feel slightly less alone on this crappy ride. 😉
M Brimley
I’m so glad my blog can be helpful. It’s not like I have anything special to say, but I have found that sharing all of the little things in my life has made me more connected to the world, and especially to the widow community. I’m sad there are other young widows but I am glad that we can support each other.