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The Spelling Bee
“The word is ‘universe,’” the judge said clearly. Claire took a deep breath. “Universe. U….n…i…” she paused for a second, and then started drawing the letters in the air. “V….e…r…s…e. Universe.” “That’s correct,” the judge said. Claire smiled, and walked quickly back to her seat. I waved at her as she sat down and she gave me a big smile. She’d made it through round 2 of her school’s spelling bee. I didn’t sign Claire up for the spelling bee. I think she told me about it a month ago, but I promptly forgot. I mean, like I need one more thing to worry about. But then the day before…
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Family
At the end of last year, I got on a shuttle bus at the airport with my kids and my dad. Tommy sat with my dad and I sat with Claire and Austin. We were on our way to Texas and everyone was really excited. At the next stop, another family got on. It was a mom, a dad and two kids. They sat together and the parents chatted happily with the kids. To most outside observers, the scene was nothing out of the ordinary. But it struck me how much watching them bothered me. They were the family I was supposed to have. I’m sure they didn’t think much…
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Across the Doctor’s Office
Almost daily, someone asks me why I decided to write this blog. Here’s the response I usually give: In the beginning it was a way for me to connect with my loved ones and get my feelings out into the open. But then the blog (and my motivations behind it) changed a bit. DC Widow became a place of where I could connect with people that I didn’t know, specifically other young widows. My posts sparked conversations with my friends both online and in person. Soon, I found that I had a new reason for writing. I wanted my loss to have some sort of meaning. One of the posts…
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Year of Yes
“You have to come,” Paige said to me, “this aerobics class is a unique Cayman experience. I can’t let you miss it.” I reiterated that I didn’t like workout classes. “I already have enough people demanding things of me,” I always say when people encourage me to sign up for something like Orange Theory or Soul Cycle. “Well this is more like a fast pass to Carnival,” she said, “and it’s time to go.” I went to the reggae aerobics class. I was her guest for the week, and this was something she really wanted me to do. The class was packed and had just started when we arrived. The…
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“I Want Daddy to Come Back”
Earlier this week, I told my kids that I was going to go to the cemetery on the anniversary of their father’s death. “Do any of you want to come?” Austin and Tommy enthusiastically agreed. “I want to come too,” Claire said softly. I was happy. A year ago, she refused to go to the cemetery. She thought it would be too sad, and though she couldn’t quite explain it, she worried about re-living the moment her father’s body was put in the ground. But when she finally went, on Shawn’s birthday last summer, she found it to be a place that was calming for her. She still doesn’t go…
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When He Was Still Mine
One year ago today, curled up next to him in the hospital bed, I began to tell him a story. It was the story of our life together. I was up almost the entire night previously. He was sick, and needed care and I couldn’t sleep and let him suffer. At 4 am I checked his breathing. At 5 am I called my friends to bring me paperwork so I could take over the medical decision-making process. At 6 am I called his family. “Hurry,” I said. At 7 am, the palliative care nurses came in, and I wept for the first time in 12 hours. “You can get in…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
