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Ask a Widow: No One Is Ready
How do you know that you’re ready to date after loss? It’s one of the most common questions I get. In fact, just the other day, I got this (edited) email from a widow who had recently become interested in someone new. It had been about 18 months after the death of her husband. It left her with some conflicting feelings: I mean, I really like the guy, but my emotions can go overboard – I grieve, I like him as a friend, I want him as a boyfriend, I just want him as a friend, etc. This is tiring me out and I don’t know how to manage. Maybe…
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Ask a Widow: What Changes Do Remarriage and Adoption Bring?
I love getting mail in my dcwidow inbox. I hear from all sorts of people, including many widows in all sorts of situations. I try and answer all of them, and every once in awhile, I can offer a bit of advice. I mean, I have no training in mental health care, but it turns out that I’ve learned a bit from just walking the planet as a widow for 4 1/2 years. In any case, I recently got an email from a woman who had a somewhat similar story to mine. Her first husband, Doug, died when her son Aaron was just 2 months old. After a number of…
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Ask a Widow: When Sex Can Be Good…and When Sex Can Be Tricky
I know a lot of widows who think a lot about sex. I’m not talking about any specific group of widows. I hear from people of all ages and backgrounds and life experiences on this blog, and one of the most common things people write to me about is sex. Is it okay to want to have sex after (fill-in-the-blank-amount-of-time) has passed since your partner died? Is it strange to desire people who you would have never desired before widowhood? Is it totally off-base to date a friend or a neighbor? Some questions are easy to answer. Anything about feelings (i.e. “is it okay to feel this way”) is easy.…
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A Countdown Calendar for Grief?
Sometimes, I just can’t believe what I find on Google. The other day, I was trying to look up something for a blog post, and so I googled, “widowhood.” My eyes scanned over the first few hits, and one really stood out to me. The title of the article was, “First year of widowhood most harmful to mental health, according to a sample of over 70,000 middle aged women.” It’s an awkward title. But it made me think. And what I thought was, well no shit. I mean, of course the first year of widowhood is the most harmful to mental health, at least compared to the years that follow.…
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That’s What You Look For
I bet I think about dating more than most married women. Let me clarify – I don’t think about how I want to be dating someone else! But I do think about what it’s like for other people who are dating. Especially widows. Unlike many of my married friends, I have a number of single friends (yes, many of my single friends are widows). Plus, I have this blog where people write me about their experiences dating. And wow – I hear a lot of crazy stories. Dating is a topic that I haven’t forgotten about since I married Chris. This is a radical change from the first time I…
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How We Remember
I’ve been in Texas all week, gathering with my family as we do every year. It’s been lovely, full of all the things that make my family great – big pool parties, loud arguments, belly laughs and a whole lot of ice cream. I haven’t done any work, and I haven’t even thought about writing, until now. I’ve simply enjoyed the company of my aunts and uncles and cousins and the zillion kids that are here. It’s been glorious. And so, it was a bit odd to be getting ready for lunch yesterday when I realized that it was July 3rd. It surprised me. Not that I had remembered the…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
