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How My Son Found Family Across the Alley
My eight-year-old, Austin, has always held his feelings close. When his father died last January, I worried about how he would fare in the world without the man who understood him best. His older sister talked openly with me about her emotions and his younger brother cried any time I left his sight. But Austin’s grief was quiet. I only knew he was sad whenever I found him curled up in our recliner looking at family photos. I was worried about my son, but I was also consumed by my own grief, and that meant that I could not organize all of the play dates and other activities my children…
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The Little Things
Right after Shawn died, I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about how I missed going out to dinner. “We can go out anytime,” she said. “If it’s easier, we can just go out with all of the women.” She was trying to be compassionate. She understood that it could be hard for me to go out with a group of couples, especially so recently after Shawn died. But I didn’t want that, and I told her so. The men in our group – they are my friends too. I appreciated that she was trying to be mindful of my feelings. But what I appreciated even more was that…
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The Clark Family
“Austin can’t come to the phone right now,” my aunt Nancy said to me. “He’s skinny dipping in the pool. I told him he needs to do it fast because the girls will be out there soon!” I laughed, and I could see the smile on her face as well. “Okay, well can I talk to Claire or Tommy?” I asked. In the background, Claire ran by and said, “I can’t talk now!” as she fell over laughing about something. I could see her performing some sort of skit (or dance?) for my Aunt Terry. They were both laughing, and Claire’s enthusiasm was matched by Terry’s. Nancy yelled for Tommy…
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Heroic Work
I met Reed, the man who would become one of Shawn’s cancer doctors, minutes after we first came to NIH. The days before we met him were a blur of horror: I had driven Shawn to the local ER and watched him curl up in pain, hours later Shawn had been admitted to that same local hospital and gotten a colonoscopy, and immediately after the operation we learned that Shawn had stage IV cancer. Then we sat in that local hospital from Friday until Monday and never saw an oncologist. It was one of the worst weekends of my life. Our friends showed up, including our pediatric oncologist friend Jason…
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Sometimes There’s a Little Vomit
I was away on vacation for the first time in months. It was glorious. I still woke up early, went on a run and had eggs for breakfast. But I got a bit of time and space to think, to breathe and to remember who I was without all of the distractions of daily life. My dad was home with the kids. I called every night and talked to them via FaceTime. One night he answered after just one ring. “Things are fine here,” he said. “But Austin is playing basketball in the alley and refused to come in for dinner.” He shook his head with a mixture of frustration…
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Rainbow Chicken
I know I keep writing about it, but wow, March was HARD. I cried more than I’d cried in months, and I had moments when I wasn’t sure if I was going to be okay in the long-term. I had terrible anxiety at night and walked around like a bit of a zombie during the day. But I convinced myself that my kids didn’t really notice. Or if they did, they didn’t care that much. They still had school and their friends and my dad. So what if their mom was a little bit off? Claire asked how I was doing a few times, and I was honest that I…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
