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Eleven
My sweet Claire, today is your birthday. You are eleven. This one seems different than the others, somehow. You are so much older and wiser, so much more aware of the world around you. Maybe it’s how all 11-year-olds are. But something makes me think you have just a bit more insight than many kids your age. The light in your eyes is bright, but you have wisdom in them too. That, I think, is something that’s special about you. Life hasn’t always been easy on you, but you have made the best lemonade out of the lemons you’e been dealt. Yes, you lost your father when you were just…
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41
Tomorrow, I turn 41. I should be celebrating. I love my birthday – it’s one of my favorite days of the year. I love how everyone is super nice and wishes me “happy birthday” all day and how I hear from new and old friends alike. I love how my kids are on their best behavior and I love the cards they make me every year. But I can’t quite get excited about it because I’m turning 41. It’s the birthday Shawn never got to celebrate. It’s not just that I’m going to be older than him, for the first time ever. It’s not just that I’m now “in my…
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Valentine’s Day, Year 3
I’m spending Valentine’s Day with 3000 high school students. I actually volunteered for this assignment. It’s one I’ve been doing for years, including when Shawn was alive. I run the Model UN program at my school and the students have a big conference every year right around Valentine’s Day. The first year I did it, Shawn sent a massive bouquet of red roses to the hotel where we were staying, and all of my students went totally crazy. (“OMG, that’s so sweeeeeet!“) I laughed when I called him later that day, recounting the story. He didn’t do it because he needed to show me he loved me – I already…
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…Hello 2020 (Part 2 of 2)
Hello 2020. Hello widow friends. I’m sorry we met. But I’m glad I know you. Hello nights that last until 2 am. Sometimes because they are sad. But more often, because they are fun. Hello to being alone. Not lonely. But alone. I’m finally learning the difference. Hello anger, sadness, grief and fear. You all have a place in my life. You just don’t get to rule it. Hello risk. Hello to saying no, and feeling okay about it. I know what I can handle now, and I know what I cannot. Hello 41. I’ll finally be older than Shawn ever was. I’m going to make it count. Hello to…
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Goodbye, 2019… (Part 1 of 2)
Goodbye 2019. Goodbye breakouts, worry lines and gray hairs from grief. I may not be able to hide you all, but I’m going to try. Goodbye waking up at 2 am. Goodbye fear that I can’t grill hamburgers or do my finances. Yes, Shawn did them before. But I can do them now. Goodbye first heartbreak after Shawn, the one that made me feel like I couldn’t go on. Really, I could. Goodbye black mold in the garage. Yes, you came because I didn’t go out to that garage for a year after Shawn died. But I got rid of you in the end, didn’t I? Goodbye to worrying about…
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Christmas Magic
“Mom, I have to tell you something important,” Claire said to me in late November. “I know Gingee isn’t real.” I froze, a bit. Gingee is our elf. She’s actually just a stuffed doll that Shawn and I got when Claire was 4 or 5 during the elf-on-the-shelf craze (Claire named our elf Gingee at the time.) For years, we pretended that Gingee would show up during the month of December to watch over the kids and “report back to Santa at night.” Because Gingee had to fly to the North Pole when everyone was sleeping, she often ended up in a new spot each morning. I found the elf…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
