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Our Bathroom
Claire and I share a bathroom. It wasn’t always this way, of course. Once upon a time, Claire used the bathroom by her room, the one Shawn and I designated for the kids after we remodeled the house a few years ago. But when Shawn died and my dad moved in, all of the sudden there were four people using the kids’ bathroom and just me using the master bathroom. “I should share this bathroom with you,” Claire said one day. She had just turned 9. “It can be the girls bathroom. The boys can all use the bathroom in the hallway.” I wavered a bit, but somehow just a…
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What I’m Scared Of
I slipped into the last spot on the elevator going up to my hotel room last week. As I fumbled in my purse for my room key (so I could push the button to my floor) the man standing next to me said, “quick! You better show us your room key so we know you are allowed up!” He meant it as a joke, but it felt like a strange thing to say, and I sort-of half smiled/half frowned at him while continuing to rifle through my purse. He beamed at the other people on the elevator, who were clearly friends of his. I got off at my floor, and…
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Heavenly Love
When Austin was first born, I was taking a walk with my sister and my new baby boy. Austin was probably a week old. Claire, who had just turned two, was home with Shawn. My sister and I were talking about birth and love and all of the other big things you can talk about with someone you’ve known your whole life. At some point, she asked me something about how it felt, now, to love two kids instead of one. While I don’t remember her exact question, I remember my answer. “Well,” I said, “I love Austin, but if for some crazy reason I had to choose between them,…
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Where’s Your Husband?
You can get the best huevos rancheros in Austin, Texas. Though I’m not a native-born Texan, I’ve spent big chunks of my life with my family in this great town. So when I get the chance for a meal out, I do it. A few days ago, on a weekend downtown by myself, I wandered into a restaurant specializing in Oaxacan cuisine and asked the waiter what he recommended for my brunch. His answer: huevos rancheros. We got to chatting after that. I asked him about how they make their amazing sauces, and he told me more about the history of the restaurant. Then, as conversations sometimes do, we turned…
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“Are You Going To Die?”
“Are you going to die?” Claire asked me. Her voice was strained. She sat next to me on the couch and gripped me like she was three years old. “What? Of course not!” I said. “I’m going to visit Aunt Lindsay and Uncle Sean and their new baby. Babies can’t hurt anyone!” “I mean on the plane,” she said. “Are you going to die on the plane?” “No,” I said, emphatically. “Planes are really safe. They are safer than cars, actually. I’ll be fine.” She did not look convinced, and kept clutching me. She probably asked me a half-dozen more times if I was going to die. Each time I…
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The Look of Real Love
Since becoming a widow, I’ve started to study other people’s relationships. I didn’t start doing this on purpose, and for many months after Shawn died, I didn’t really notice other people. But then I started to look out. I began to watch my friends and acquaintances for clues as to how I was going to navigate the world without my husband. I did a lot more observing than I’d ever done before. The other day, I met up with a new friend and although we’ve known each other professionally for a while now, I don’t know much about his personal life. I hadn’t seen him in a few months and…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
