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Father’s Day
My anxiety around Father’s Day this year was out of control. I guess that’s to be expected, but I had a hard time focusing on the last few days of school because I was obsessed with what would happen on Sunday. It’s not like Father’s Day was this huge event in our house in previous years. My kids would make Shawn a card and maybe he’d go see a movie with friends. But still. It’s such a marker of what we don’t have that seemingly everyone else in the world has. I know that’s not true, of course. I know there are lots of single moms out there, and plenty…
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You’re Not Bothering Me
“I don’t want to bother you….” starts the email. It’s nothing new. I get an email or a text or something like this at least a couple of times a day. At first, when Shawn was sick and then immediately after he died, I couldn’t really process anything. I read the emails and then never responded and I figured people understood. If I’m being honest, I didn’t even care. I appreciated the outreach in the immediate aftermath, but (and I’m sorry here for everyone who helped me) I honestly can’t really remember who did what. I was in such a fog. I’m not totally out of that fog yet, but…
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Why Do All the Damn Parents Die in Disney movies?
A few weeks ago, Claire was invited to a birthday party at the movies to see “A Wrinkle in Time.” It’s a movie about a girl who has to find her lost father. Thoughtfully, the mother of the birthday girl texted me to see if I thought it would be a good idea for Claire to watch the movie, or if it was better to plan a separate event for our two kids. I talked to Claire about it, and we watched the trailer together. She was excited about the movie, and didn’t seem upset by any of it, so I let her go. But this got me thinking. If…
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I Turned Out Okay
People post comments on my blog fairly regularly, though most of them come from family and friends I’ve known for quite some time. Sometimes, however, I get comments from strangers. They might be other widows who’ve found me through social media or people who knew about Shawn professionally. But there’s one comment that I re-read constantly. It’s from a woman named Maeve, who I don’t know at all. Here is what she wrote (with a few minor edits): “I don’t know you or your family, but my father passed away from cancer when I was 9. My mother gave his eulogy too, and I still can’t believe what strength that…
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I’m Not Sure How You Survive That
It’s been a long time since I wore 3-inch heels. They sit in my closet, beautifully shiny and begging me to go out. The thing is, I’m perpetually sad, and going out won’t change that. But I’m tired of being at home all the time. In any case, the heels finally won out a few days ago and I got myself downtown. I was going to a political event – something Shawn and I would have done frequently if he were still alive. Most of the people there didn’t know me, and I found it interesting that I was able to carry myself so that it appeared I had it…
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I’m Not Grateful
I really should just stop looking at Facebook, at least at the end of the day. I actually like hearing the updates from friends and family and I don’t even mind the cute (and curated) photos of everyone’s kids and vacations. But – and I mean this in the kindest way I can say – the quotes that appear on my screen are often really awful. Here was one I stumbled across today: “Motherhood sucks me dry of my time, of my energy, of my independence. But when I fall into bed at the end of an upended day, when the tired I feel is already bleeding over into tomorrow,…