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Ask a Widow: “But We’ve Always Had Christmas at Grandma’s” (with holiday resources)
OMG THE HOLIDAYS. Okay, yes, it’s that time of year. No matter your background or how you celebrate, the holidays are often loaded for just about everyone. Forget it if you’re a widow. Then everything is loaded. My first holiday season was BRUTAL. I mean, I think I cried every single day in the parking lot before school and every single evening after I put the kids to bed. How was my tree all lit up, how was I saying “happy holidays” to everyone I saw, how was I sending out cards to my family and friends…and Shawn was dead? It was all such an act. I didn’t feeling joyful.…
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The Top 5 Reasons Thanksgiving Can Really Blow for Widows
For years and years, whenever anyone would ask me what my favorite holiday was, I’d reply, “Thanksgiving!” It’s true. I’ve always loved gathering with family and friends, cooking all day and staying up late telling stories. In fact, for much of the first decade of our marriage, Shawn and I hosted Thanksgiving at our house every year. Usually we had at least 25 people, and sometimes many more. It was always one of my favorite days of the year. Even once we pared down our celebration and sometimes traveled to be with family and friends, it was still the holiday that I looked forward to more than any other. But…
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Bring Meatballs
He brought meatballs. It was 2017 and it was freezing that evening in December when my neighbor Mark showed up at the side door, a steaming bowl of meatballs in his arms. It was enough to feed twenty people, and though it was almost comical how much food he’d brought, I didn’t laugh at the quantity. I appreciated it. Shawn was so sick that I didn’t really know what else to do besides accept everything that came my way. And the meatballs were so good, so filling, so hot and so full of love. I was really appreciative, but I didn’t write him a thank-you card. It was okay. I…
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Feeling Bad That It Doesn’t Feel Bad
Three years is a strange marker in the widow world. The first year of widowhood is just about survival. It’s about figuring out how to get up every day, how to grieve and still pay the bills, how to put one foot in front of the other when you’re so tired you can’t even really think. It’s about making it through to the end of the day. Or at least it was for me. The second year feels easier for some people, and harder for others. It’s when the day-to-day life gets more manageable, and yet the intensity of the loss is still there. My second year, I had a…
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No Thanks
When Shawn died, I started keeping a diary. I’m sure you’re thinking, “of course you did! We’ve read over 500 entries here on this blog!” And yes, part of my writing was public, and I put it here on my blog. But I had a whole separate place where I wrote more personal things, or things that I just didn’t know how to turn into a blog post. It’s where I wrote about the real fear I had, before I could write publicly about fear. It’s where I wrote about crying in the shower and waking up at 3 am and worrying about my kids. And yes, some of that…
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Witness Something Special
I love and hate September. It’s the same every year. I look forward to the excitement of school starting, the promise of leaves changing to bright oranges and reds, and the feeling of hope in the air. But September also means the end of summer, the end of lazy mornings, and the end of popsicles and watermelon at the pool. For me, September also brings late night lesson planning and early morning lunch packing and – this year – a wedding. It’s a lot of change. A few weeks ago, as September began, Chris and I decided that we needed a night away from home, just the two of us.…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
