-
It Might Not Happen For Me
I love podcasts. So did Shawn. We used to put them on in the morning to get caught up with the day’s news and we used to listen to really engaging ones in the evening together. One time when he was going through this big health kick, he made me listen to a multi-hour podcast on the dangers of sugar by a martial-arts expert. I rolled my eyes a lot at that one, but we ended up talking about it for days afterwards. For a while after Shawn died, I couldn’t listen to any of our old podcasts. I still liked listening to other people talk, but I switched to…
-
Running to the Door
When Shawn and I met in Japan, he had a girlfriend back home in Canada. He liked her a lot, that was clear, and so we were just friends for the first year we knew each other. But eventually time and space meant that they broke up. “Why?” I asked him the night he told me. “I never called her,” he said. “When I finally called her yesterday, she cried and said I obviously didn’t care about her if I didn’t ever want to call her.” He paused, thinking about it. I can still remember his face – he was contemplating his own actions. “She’s probably right,” he said. “I…
-
40
The first party Shawn threw for me was for my 24th birthday. We’d been dating since the previous fall and it had only taken him a few months to understand the importance I placed on my birthday. As a kid, my mom had always gone all out on our birthdays and I continued to want lots of fun and attention on my birthday. For my birthdays in college I had danced until the wee hours of the morning and really, turning 24 felt like another college birthday. I hadn’t quite yet grown up, even if I did know that I was likely to spend the rest of my life with…
-
Valentines Day
Valentine’s day is a stupid, made-up holiday. It is! But I guess so are a lot of quasi-holidays and other silly things we celebrate. I’m pretty sure Facebook made up National Sibling Day but I love posting pictures of my sister on that day. So I was never against Valentine’s Day, exactly. I just didn’t make a big deal out of it. But Shawn knew better. He knew that if he forgot to recognize his love for me on this day, even though I thought the holiday was stupid, it might hurt my feelings. So every year, he made sure to get me something nice. The first year, when we…
-
Last Night
I felt the hair on his face brush up against my cheek. He pulled back for a minute and looked at me. I could see the lines around his eyes crinkle up into a slight smile. Then he closed his eyes and kissed me really slowly. His arms, strong and twice as big as my own, were wrapped around me. I was so happy. Blissfully happy, like that kind of happy you feel when a child is born or you have that first kiss with someone you know you’ll be with forever. But after that moment came confusion. Why was I so happy? He looked at me, and then I…
-
The Ring
I took it off for the first time as an experiment. Since the day I was married, I wore my wedding ring constantly. I know many people take their rings off every night but that wasn’t me. I knew if I took my ring off, I’d lose it. So no matter where I was – the pool, the gym, the sink, the bed – I kept my wedding ring on. As we gained financial stability, Shawn would ask me if I wanted a “nicer” ring someday. “No!” I always told him, emphatically. I loved that ring. “I don’t want a new ring,” I’d say to him. “This is the ring…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
