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Keep Walking Past That Door
I have another root canal today. It’s my second one in the past few months. For the first one, I had to leave Shawn at the hospital and go get the root canal and then come back immediately afterwards to be with him. He was having a hard time getting around at that point, and so he would make big goals like walking around the entire hospital wing three times. He’d wait for me to come to the hospital, and whenever I was there, we’d do his workout for the day. It was like watching someone do an Olympic event – he worked so damn hard, focusing on the task…
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“You look hot, by the way”
Two days before he died, Shawn was up at night, sick from chemotherapy and the cancer that was racking his body. It was about 2 am, and I stumbled out of bed in just a tank top and underwear, rushing to get him a towel to help him wash his face. He could barely walk, but he had managed to get himself to the bathroom without my help, and I was just standing there, trying to figure out what was the best thing for him. “What can I do for you?” I asked him. “Nothing,” he said. He paused. Then he turned and looked at me and said, “you look…
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My First Sleepover Birthday Party
Claire turned nine a few days ago, and last night was her birthday party. She begged me for a sleepover. I relented because 1) it seemed easier than any other alternative and 2) right now I’m trying to let my kids have as much fun as they can. I only let her invite a few kids and the night started out fine. Not perfect, because the unicorn pinata I bought was decapitated after one single hit to the head, but everyone seemed to be having fun otherwise. Very quickly, however, it became clear that this party was not going to be easy for me. Take the cake. I had actually…
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One King Bed
“So, it’s you and your children and your husband?” the woman at the check-in counter asked me. The lobby of the hotel was crowded, so I’m sure she was having a hard time figuring out who was with me. I had arrived with a group of friends, and the kids ran everywhere. “No,” I said, and then because I couldn’t help myself, “my husband died in January.” She looked at me like every person does who gets that knowledge unexpectedly. I realize that I could have said, “no, it’s just me and the kids,” or something else that would solve her immediate problem of how to check us in without…
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I Knew You Before
Sometimes, when I try to remember my life before Shawn, I draw a blank. I can remember fun college parties, my awesome job working at a summer camp, and a general warm feeling about childhood. But right now, everything still seems a bit hazy, and thus my memories aren’t always so clear. For those memories, I need people from way back when. I need people like my friend Gabrielle. Gabe and I met in Italy, thrown together as roommates in a city where we didn’t speak the language or know the culture. It was the spring of 2000, and we were young and stupid and adventurous. We had a deliriously…
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All Kinds of Therapy
I can’t even remember all of the people who sat in my kitchen and listened to me cry in the first few weeks of Shawn’s diagnosis. But I do remember them being there, and listening to me, and not usually knowing what to say, but staying nonetheless. They validated my feelings that things were horrible, that it was unfair, and that everything was impossible. “Of course you’re overwhelmed/frustrated/terribly sad” said everyone. No one tried to cheer me up with ridiculous optimism, and almost everyone let me really express my emotions. This was a far cry from how people reacted when my mom died. Granted, I was only 19, so most people…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
