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Ask a Widow: Yes, It’s Okay to Want to Have Sex Again
WARNING: If you are squeamish about sex OR if you are my father, you may want to stop reading right now. Because I’m going to talk to you about sex. Not just about desire or dating, but actually about sex. And I’m not going to discuss the sex that you once had. I’m going to talk to you, my widowed friend, about wanting to have sex again. Even when you are grieving. Last week, I asked my readers to let me know the questions they had about widowhood and grieving. Many people wrote me, and the overwhelming topic was sex. A composite of the most common note went something like…
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The Avengers
I love Halloween. I’ve dressed up every year, even as an adult, and for many years we’ve done a family costume. Last year, we were all zombies, which somehow made sense. But this year didn’t feel like a zombie year. Tommy, in particular, was stuck on the idea of being Spiderman, and when I thought about it, the Avengers seemed like a pretty easy theme. And plus – I could be the best superhero of all: Black Widow. Claire and Austin acquiesced, with the caveat that they’d each get another costume to wear to school. (I gave in, even though it’s a silly expense. See aforementioned love of Halloween.) For…
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In An Instant
Sometimes, who you are can change in an instant. “I do.” You’re a wife. “It’s a girl!” You’re a mother. “He’s gone.” You’re a widow. When these changes happen, the world often knows immediately. There’s not always a lot of training about how to be a wife or a mother or a widow before you actually become one, so the transition isn’t often smooth. I certainly argued with Shawn about sharing the household chores when we were first married, I definitely didn’t know how to install a car seat when Claire was born, and I absolutely had no idea how to carry on with my life when I became a…
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“If I Die, Please Get Remarried”
If you are married or have a long-term partner, I want you to do something right now. I want you to turn to your partner, pick up your phone, or get some paper out. And then I want you to tell your significant other this: “if I die, please get remarried.” “What?” you might be thinking, “I need some time to ponder this. Do I really want the love of my life getting remarried? What would that mean for our family/kids/dog/house? Marjorie doesn’t even know me that well! How can she ask me to do something like this?” Listen, I get it. Until Shawn got sick, I only had a…
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At First Glance
In the past week, I’ve had two different acquaintances tell me about terrible things going on with their families. In both cases, I was asked to keep the information confidential, which I gladly did. But it got me thinking. Before Shawn died, I used to talk with my closest friends about their problems, and I’d share mine. Sometimes, these dear friends of mine had serious problems, and we’d work through them together. But I never discussed serious problems with more casual friends and acquaintances. Instead, I talked to people in my my larger circle about our daily lives, our kids and our work. We never got too serious. When I…
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I Followed the Rules
I followed the rules. They weren’t written, of course. They weren’t even said, at least not explicitly. But they were there. Find a nice man. Wait to sleep with him until you’re sure he won’t run out the door the next morning. Make sure he knows you are in the relationship for something serious. Get engaged while you’re still young, and married within a year after the proposal. Buy a house as soon as you can afford it. Don’t go to Starbucks every day if it means you’ll get to buy that new couch at the end of the year. Don’t drink too much or do any drugs, and call…