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Kindness
Back in the late summer of 2002, when Shawn and I were falling in love, we had a night when we were laying around my apartment, talking about life. My head was in his lap, and he brushed my hair with his fingers. We sat on tatami mats, their smell slightly permeating the room, and the hum of the air conditioner came on and off throughout our conversation. We took turns asking each other the big questions. “What’s your biggest regret?” I asked him at one point. He took a deep breath, and then surprised me with his answer. “When I was in 8th grade, I was at a dance,…
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In a Hurry
Since I was a little girl, all I really wanted in this life was to be a mom. Sure, I wanted to be other things – a world traveler and a teacher and a great hostess. But more than any of this, I wanted to be a mom. I knew what this meant – I’d need to meet someone when I was relatively young, get married, and then have kids, hopefully all before I was 30. Thank God I met Shawn. I swear, I might have married anyone at 22. But I met him, and my life was amazingly more interesting than it would have been otherwise. We were both…
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Ask a Widow
Every few weeks, I get a panicked email or call from a friend or acquaintance or stranger from the internet. “I don’t know what to do,” the person tells me, “my friend/sister/neighbor/colleague just lost her partner, and now she’s a widow. How can I help her?” I always ask more questions before I answer. Because, really, it depends. If this is your best friend, there are lots of things you can do. You can offer to help her deal with the funeral arrangements or stay overnight with her so she doesn’t have to be alone. But if she’s not a close friend, you may need to figure out another way…
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Old and Young, At the Same Time
I came home from work the other day and Claire was in a bad mood. “I’m so tired,” she said, when I asked what was wrong. I offered up a number of ideas. She could read a book, listen to music, or just chill out on the couch. No, she could not watch TV. That was for after dinner and showers. She did not like this, and let me know. “Well, Claire,” I said, “I’m going out on a bike ride with Tommy and Austin. You can join us if you want.” She rolled her eyes at me and audibly sighed. Her hair was high on her head in a…
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Trigger Warning
Last week, I wrote this piece for the Washington Post on how parents can help children who are grieving. In case you haven’t read it yet, I introduced the piece by talking about how Claire was really missing her dad last summer at the pool, and then I discussed what experts say parents should do in similar situations. I did not describe Shawn’s illness or death at all. I posted the article in an online group, thinking maybe others would want to read it. Also, I was genuinely proud of the work I did and wanted to share it. A few hours later, I saw that someone had replied to…
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The Avengers
I love Halloween. I’ve dressed up every year, even as an adult, and for many years we’ve done a family costume. Last year, we were all zombies, which somehow made sense. But this year didn’t feel like a zombie year. Tommy, in particular, was stuck on the idea of being Spiderman, and when I thought about it, the Avengers seemed like a pretty easy theme. And plus – I could be the best superhero of all: Black Widow. Claire and Austin acquiesced, with the caveat that they’d each get another costume to wear to school. (I gave in, even though it’s a silly expense. See aforementioned love of Halloween.) For…
There’s No Handbook for How to Do This
